I've been stuck. Just like everyone else, I've been stuck at home. I have also been stuck mentally, creatively, physically, and socially. I've been so stuck in my mind these last few weeks that I've been consuming my days with an abundance of projects just to quiet the noise. I've turned my anger and frustration into a run or a hike, a long walk, and meditation. Lots of meditation. I have turned my anger and frustration into digging up our yard with my bare hands, planting a sunflower field, A butterfly garden, and an entire veggie crop that could feed this side of the island. My mind has turned into this lost fog and haze.
I haven't been able to write much. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my lost words. I'm tired of feeling angry and depressed. I'm tired of asking what I can do. I'm tired of being stuck. I. Am. Done.
I'm done being silent. The racism in this world is maddening. The perpetual murdering of a race has got to stop. If you can not see that black people are being murdered then the problem is with YOU and you need to change or get the fuck out of my way.
I'm done being silent.
I'm sitting here evaluating my entire thought process and actions. I'm trying to find ways to educate myself. Trying to find ways to actually do something.
And it all starts with ME.
It's not my Black friends' responsibility to educate me. It's MINE. It's my own responsibility to find ways to take action. It's my responsibility to read, seek, and find the TRUTHFUL information. It's my responsibility to change my own language and my own actions and I'm going to do just that.
So, I am done.
I am done asking what I can do
I am done feeling insecure about my own culture and ethnicity
I am done beating you all to the Asian jokes (because of said insecurity)
I'm done educating my own family and friends about their racist comments toward me, my family, and our culture. I'm almost 40, if your language around me hasn't changed by now, it's not going to. Get the fuck out of my face. I am VERY good at removing toxicity from my life. Ask my father. He was removed with EASE six years ago.
I am done thinking my words on social media are enough to be an ally. I will never contribute to the re-traumatization of sharing videos and images of black people dying.
I'm done thinking that my voice and words don't matter
I am done being silent while black people are being murdered
I. AM. DONE.
I am not a black person. I can never "understand" their pain and suffering. I am a woman and a person of color that has endured and continues to endure my own experiences with racism. They do not compare to what our black communities have to go through. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE.
I am so beyond privileged and I see it. I am married to the epitome of white privilege and I ride his coat tails every damn day. He sees it, knows it recognizes it, and that's why I love him deeply. I'm going to admit, I have used his privilege to my advantage. Maybe even manipulatively so.
I. AM. DONE.
I am starting with me. I'm diving deep into my meditations and highlighting all the areas within my own self that need to change. My language for one and my actions for two...or, my non action, to be honest. I will deprogram all of this conditioning from my being and become a better Ally. I will stop being afraid to use my voice. I. WILL. GET. LOUD. and trust me...I can get loud. I will start with me. That is a promise.