So, this is 38, huh? I have to admit, I'm not sure I like it. I know that I will but right now, the constant reminder of how young I am NOT has been a bit harsh. Maybe that's because I'm just getting home from reconnecting with old high school friends. Maybe it's because my own teenage daughter has quite a bit more independence now. Maybe it's because this Harvest Full Moon lit up each and every one of my scars. Whatever it is, I get it. I'm not that wild and reckless teenager anymore. I'm not that wild and reckless young adult anymore. I'm not that tired and sad single mother anymore.
I'm not quite sure what it is about the last couple of weeks that have opened up old wounds. So many of them too. They have been in each and every dream, each and every vision, and each and every meditation. Everywhere I turn, there they are. Waiting for me. All the yoga flows, the self care, and the meditations are not making them go away. It's so funny that I know this and yet, still, I try. Still I try to just make them all go away... Again. Find a place even deeper to hide them. Find a place where no one else will find them. Find a place where I never have to see them again. How funny that I teach yoga, meditation and how to deal with all these wounds head on. I teach all of this and yet, here I am trying to shove them all in deeper. I know that will never work. I know that in each dream they will creep in. That in every thought I'll just have to keep shaking them away. I know that I will still just have to face them again down the road.
I guess it's time to do it now. Face them head on. Sit with them. Acknowledge them. Maybe even embrace them. I have been so ashamed of my past that I hid it away so deep. So deep that I, myself, forgot it was there. Then one day, BOOM!
I've made a lot of mistakes and some pretty bad choices. Spent most of my life just numbing. Part of the reason that I am currently on a drinking hiatus (a year and a half strong now!) was because I was so sick of feeling numb. Of just coasting on auto pilot. Not being able to feel anything because the alcohol just numbed everything. EVERYTHING. It didn't just numb the bad thoughts and memories, though. It numbed all the good ones too. I couldn't feel ANYTHING. That's just not the way I wanted to live anymore. I have Yoga to thank for that. I have had the last year and a half to awaken from a 20 year numbing spree and now I'm forced to sit with all those choices. All those memories.
Being a healer, I know how to sit with them all. I know exactly why they are all back. I know why they are shinning a big bright light in my face. That doesn't change the fact that they still really hurt. That this pain I feel is really deep. That brining them all out to release is just gonna hurt like Hell. So much of me wants to just run away like I always do. Run away, shake it off, pretend it all didn't happen. Again, I know that if I do that I'll just be right back here and it will all hurt even more.
So, at the ripe old age of 38. LOL. (I know, it's not even old) It's time to sit with my own demons. It's time to sit with just me. Embrace my past, embrace my choices, embrace my mistakes, and dare I even say, love them too. Not be ashamed of my past but maybe even be proud of it???? I know I have made a lot of mistakes but they turned out to be some really deep life lessons that have gotten me to the path I am now. Without any of them, where would I be? Not here and I like here. As scary as it feels, currently ,it is also very freeing.
I have had an iron clad shield around my heart for so long. I have struggled with backbends and shoulder openers in my Yoga practice and for a long time I thought it was just tight muscles. When, in fact, it's just stored trauma. I'm noticing that with each lesson I sit with, my heart begins to crack open, even if just a tiny bit. That's all it takes, though. It just takes one tiny crack to let the light in. So, the more I sit with, the more I face, the more the cracks will grow. Leaving me with a bright and open heart. Then, I can turn and use that to flood the world with more kindness and love.
That's all I really want to do. Spread the love and light around the world. Let everyone know that you are not alone in this. As lonely as it feels, you are not alone. That we are not defined by our past or the choices we made. That we are not the pieces of that broken heart. They are a part of us. A part of us that needs love too. A part of us that wants to come on the journey too. Not just be shoved and stored deep within.
38 has helped me see that. That I have to love all the parts of me, the sad, the broken, and the hurt. That I have to love all the me's there ever was. 38 has helped me see that I am not like everyone else. I never was. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to be doing what everyone else is doing. That my path has always been so different. 38 has helped me realize my own greatness in a way. It's shining a light on all my gifts. I think it's time to share them.