I'll be graduating from Yoga Teacher Training this weekend and I find myself with a lot of mixed feelings. I'm thrilled because this is something that I have wanted for so long. I'm thrilled that my whole year of trainings is coming to an end. I'm thrilled to finally be able to spread some love and light. I'm saddened because these times are closing. My sessions with my teacher and fellow students will be done. I'm feeling a little torn and tattered on the floor.
It's been a year, to say the least. I started Reiki Master Teacher training in January and completed it in June. I did a Yoga Nidra Healer Training in the month of July and started Yoga Teacher Training in August. So, from January to December of 2017 I've been in some sort of intensive training. I had wanted it all so bad that I don't think I was quite sure what that would entail. Yes, everyone told me how much I would love it. How much I would grow. The things I would learn but I don't think I was quite prepared for all the "growing pains". What all these trainings did was crack me open. Full heart, chest open wide, ripped open. I wasn't prepared for the self realizations that all these trainings would bring to the surface. I didn't know that I would be ripped so wide open and that there would be no going back, You can never unsee what you've seen.
It all hurt so much. Maybe more than I care to admit. Things you hide so deep. Things you've forgotten suddenly, stirred to the surface. Blockages that you didn't even know you needed to remove. Everything coming out wether you like it or not. That, I was not ready for. On top of all that, during a very critical and trying time during our society. It was as if I could feel the whole world's growing pains along with my own and man, did it hurt. The #metoo movement spreading wide stirred so much. So much that I forgot it was even there. A presidential cabinet that infuriates the world, stirred an advocate in me that I didn't even know I had in me. Family struggles. Natural parks being diminished. My big beautiful state being on fire. As a Yogi, it's almost as if I can feel it all. Deep in my heart.
All the trainings put me on a path and put me attuned to everything. I found my self in a dark place the past couple of days. You want to be a good Yogi and believe in the best and hope for the future. Manifest the world you want to live in. The pain takes over sometimes...and then, the Universe whispers, "Look at all you have. You are filled with ABUNDANCE." The tears stop flowing and the feeling of relief sets in a bit. I know I may not always be sunshine and rainbows. I know I need to practice kindness to myself in thought as well but sometimes you need a little hint from the Universe that its all gonna be ok.
I knew I would be getting in deep with all the trainings. I just didn't know how deep and now that the final one of the year will be over in a matter of days, I can look back and this time, instead of ignoring the scars or hiding who I was or what was there, I can acknowledge, except and love every part of it. It is all me. The blood, sweat, and tears. The glitter, sparkle, and rainbows. All of it. At the end of the day it was all so worth it. I am a warrior of love and light. For all. For me. Forever.